


Say You Won't Let Go

by prince_yoongi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Drinking, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 19:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10445241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_yoongi/pseuds/prince_yoongi
Summary: 'Loosely based off James Arthur's song Say You Won't Let Go'Dan knew the moment he saw Phil that he was going to fall in love with him. He knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Now, six years later Dan still loves Phil just as much, if not more, than he did before. Will he be able to keep his secret any longer?





	

**Author's Note:**

> So in this fic they go to an award show and though they wear their glittery suits but it's not actually the Boncas award show they went to. I just really wanted them to wear those suits lol.

\--I knew I loved you then

But you'd never know  
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go  
I know I needed you  
But I never showed  
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old  
Just say you won't let go  
Just say you won't let go--

~Dan~

My heart thumped wildly in my chest as the train began to slow. I bit down on my lip to keep myself from making a noise. My eyes scanned the blurred scene through the window, hoping I could catch a glimpse of him. A voice came through the speaker announcing the stop and I tightened my grip on my bag. Before the doors even opened I launched out of my seat so I could be the first one off. I rocked back on my heels impatiently and craned my neck to see out the window. People were crowding around the platform, blocking my view of where we agreed to meet. I felt the butterflies in my stomach start again. I was practically bouncing with excitement. Finally the doors slid open and I dashed through and past the crowd of people to the back wall. My heart was in my throat now, as I made my way to our meeting spot. The dim lights made it hard to see who was standing there but I recognized him almost instantly. My legs stopped working and I stood in place just a few feet away from him. He hadn't noticed me yet, he was bouncing up and down, staring at his phone. I watched him for a minute, not believing that this was real.

He was real.

He turned to look towards the train door and frowned. Then like a scene in a movie he looked over his shoulder and saw me. His face lit up as he smiled at me and my heart stopped. I knew in that instant that I was going to fall in love with him.

 

I thought about that moment every day. There wasn't a single morning I woke up without thinking about how much I loved him. I was right, in that moment. I did fall in love with him. But he didn't fall in love with me. He knew I had fallen in love with him. I told him a few weeks after I'd gone to visit him, over the phone, because I was too afraid to tell him to his face. He said he didn't feel the same way and I was crushed. Things were weird for a while, but eventually it went back to normal and neither of us mentioned it ever again. He probably thought it was just a silly crush that would fade over time. It hadn't faded, if anything it grew stronger every time I saw him. With each passing day I fell more and more hopelessly in love with him to the point where I could hardly speak to him anymore without turning into a mumbling idiot. Some days were worse than others. Today was one of those days.

"Which one looks better?" Phil asked, pulling out two suit jackets out of his closet. I was sitting on his bed in my pajamas. We were getting ready for an award show that we were attending that night. It was a smaller one, the kind that we didn't usually attend, but we had nothing better to do so we accepted.

"Uh, I dunno. The one on the left" I said. Phil laughed.

"You're not even looking at them" he said. "Here, let me try them on with the shirt I bought" he pulled his t-shirt off and grabbed the white dress shirt. I tried not to stare as he buttoned it. "Okay, do you like it with this one?" he asked as he pulled on his dark blue blazer. I don't know why he asked me. I wasn't exactly the most objective person as I thought he looked great in anything. "...Dan?" he said after a minute of silence. I cleared my throat and looked away.

"Try the other one on" I suggested. He tugged the blue one off and tossed on the bed next to me. I started to put it back on the hanger as he tried on the second one. This one was black with gold designs trailing all across the garment.

"How does it look?" Phil asked, spinning around to show me the back. "I don't know if I can pull it off" he did more than pull it off. It was like the jacket was tailor made with him in mind. He looked amazing, no, better than amazing. He looked spectacular. When he walked into a room everyone would stop and stare. That would marvel at his light. He was stunning.

I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't tell him all those things. I couldn't tell him how go I really thought he looked. So instead I just said, "I like this one" Phil made a face and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Are you sure?" I internally screamed. Why couldn't he just see himself the way I saw him? He always second guessed what he wore and never liked the way his hair looked.

"Yes" I said shortly. Phil tilted his chin up and turned to the side, still debating it in his head.

"Alright, if you're sure" I was beyond sure. "What are you going to wear?" he asked, sitting on the bed next to me. I small part of me wanted to say he looked ridiculous wearing cookie monster pajama pants and a suit jacket but a bigger part thought he looked adorable so I stayed quiet.

"I've got something picked out" I shrugged. I glanced at my phone and saw the time. "I should go get ready" I said. Phil nodded and hopped off his bed.

"Me too" he hung up the blue jacket as I walked out of the room.

I couldn't shake the weird feeling in my stomach the entire time I was getting ready. Something about today made my feelings seem unbearable. It was like I was literally being crush under the weight of my feelings for him. I was about to change my mind about going when Phil stepped out of his room. He paused in the doorway when his phone buzzed so I had a moment to stare without him noticing. I let my eyes roam over him, appreciating the way his jacket and shirt fit around his chest and shoulders. As I looked over him I finally realized how much older he looked. How much older we both looked. We weren't two dumb teenagers anymore, we were adults. We were grown ups. So much time had passed since we first met. It was like I had blinked and years had gone by.

"Hey," Phil looked up and noticed me standing in the middle of my room staring at him. "Our Uber will be here in a few minutes" How much time had I wasted pining after him? What would've happened if I spent some of that time looking for someone else who could love me back? Would I still be here, or would I be living with them? Tears welded up in my eyes. 

If I stopped waiting for Phil would I be happier?

"Woah, hey what's wrong?" Phil asked, rushing to my side. I rubbed my eyes frantically and took a step back. "Dan tell me what's wrong" I couldn't stand being this close to him. I didn't ever want to be this close to him if I couldn't touch him.

"N- nothing" I lied, turning away from him. I couldn't look him in the eyes. "I'm- I'm just tried" I sniffed and took a deep breath.

"Do you want to stay home? We don't have to go if you don't want to" he said gently. I shook my head.

"We can't just not show up, Phil" my voice was unnaturally high. That happened when I was about to cry. "We have-" my voice cracked. "We have to go. I'll be fine" I pushed past him with my head down and grabbed my suit jacket off my piano where I had hung it earlier.

"Oh my god" Phil said when he noticed it. "You're wearing that?" he asked in awe. I looked down at my glittery silver suit self-consciously.

"Do you not like it?"

"No! It's... blinding. A good blinding!" he assured me. "I wish I had the confidence to wear something like that" I buttoned quickly, not wanting this odd moment to last any longer. I just wanted this day to be over, hoping that everything could go back to normal. I straightened up and for the first time neither Phil nor I had anything to say. We both stood there staring at the ground wondering what to say. We'd never, in the seven years we'd been friends, run out of things to say. What was happening to us? Was this all my fault?

Phil's phone rang, breaking our awkward silence. He pulled it out of his pocket and pointed towards the door.

"The car's here" he muttered. We both quietly left our flat and got into the Uber.

 

The ride there was excruciating. It was completely silent. We were only half way there when I started to think. How long were we going to be like this? Was this how it was going to be from now on? Us sitting in awkward silence. Did we finally run out of things to say? Or was this just my fault. Things had been getting weirder and weirder between us for a while now, but I ignored it, hoping it would go away.

"Am I ruining this?" I whispered. Phil looked up sharply.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. I stared down at my hands.

"This." I repeated. "Us. Am I screwing this up?" I could see Phil out of the corner of my eye and he looked confused.

"Why would you think that? What do you think is happening?" he angled himself towards me, and I turned to the window.

"I don't know. Never mind" Phil kept looking at me.

"Dan, what's going on with you today?" he asked. There was an edge to his voice. It felt like a knife in my heart.

"Nothing" I said stubbornly.

"It doesn't sound like nothing. It sounds like you want to say something so why don't you just say it? You need to snap yourself out of this before we get to the award show. There's going to be a lot of cameras there you know" I clenched my fists.

"I know" I said in annoyance.

"So just tell me what you're trying not to say" I took a deep breath to try and calm my anger.

"I think I should move out" the words came out of my mouth before my brain could process what I was saying. I don't know what made me say it. Phil sat in stunned silence for what felt like an hour before he said anything.

"Oh" I could hear the hurt in his voice. It killed me to know that I was the one that was making him feel like this, but he had made me hurt for so many years.

I hadn't actually thought about it until now, but moving out didn't sound like a bad idea. I needed to distance myself from him for a while to get my feelings under control. There was no way I could stay with him much longer without breaking completely apart.

"Oh?" I said without looking at him.

"I- I don't know what you want me to say. I'm surprised... Was it something I did?" I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the cool window.

"No" I said without explaining. Phil huffed in annoyance.

"Really? Because it seems like you think I did something. You've been acting weird lately and I don't know why. If it's something I did just tell me and I'll fix it" The anger drained out of.

"Just leave it alone, please" I said weakly.

"I can't! You're telling me you want to move out! How long have you been thinking about it? Why... why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Phil, please just drop it. I'm sorry I said that"

"So you don't want to move out?" he asked. I didn't reply. The car came to a stop, raising the tension in the back seat. I pushed back the tears that were trying so hard to come out and pressed my lips together. "Dan talk to me" he said in desperation. I couldn't. I didn't want to do this now. "We're talking about this after the show" he said. I sighed quietly and got out of the car.

We both had smiles plastered on our faces before we even entered the building. Once we were inside we went straight to our seats without greeting anyone. None of our close friends were there and we didn't need to try and be friendly to people right now. After several painful minutes the award show began. The announcer went through the beginning introductions and presented the first award. I zoned out after a few minutes, only looking up when the spot light moved over the top of me, which caused my glittery suit to almost blind me. My mind was whirling with thoughts of what was happening. Was I really going to move out? We had built up so much these past few years, was I really going to bring it all down because of my feelings? But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I had to. Moving out was the only option I had. I couldn't stay with him anymore. Every day it felt like the life was draining out of me.

"Dan," Phil whispered loudly as he elbowed me. I looked at him and he pointed towards the stage. They were announcing the winner for an award that I was nominated for. The presenter slowly opened the envelope and read the name on the card.

"Dan Howell!" people applauded and looked around for me. I drug my feet on my way to the stage. Just before I climbed up the steps, I turned to looked at Phil. He was standing and clapping for me. Despite the fact that we were fighting, and that I had told him less than an hour before that I wanted to move out, he was still cheering for me. He was always there for me when I needed it. He had so much room in his heart for me.

It just wasn't the love that I wanted.

I climbed the steps and made my way to the center of the stage where the presenter was standing with the award. I forced a smile, took the award from him and stepped towards the mic. "Wow," I said. "Thank you so much! I'd like to take a minute to thank everyone..." I paused. "I didn't prepare a speech so I apologize" everyone laughed. With the lights shining in my eyes I couldn't distinguish faces in the crowd. "First of all, thank you to everyone who voted for me, you all mean so much to me. I don't know what I would do without all of you, truly. You've been with me through everything these last few years. I hope-" my voice broke. I blinked rapidly and looked away from the crowd in front of me. "I plan to be around for a long time, doing this. What I love. Of course I don't know what will happen in the next few years, but- but I will hold out hope that..." My eyes flashed to where Phil was sitting, but I couldn't see him. It was probably for the best. If I saw him I might break down. I straightened up and cleared my throat. "I will hold out hope that everything works out for the best. Things change, and I know change is scary but it's usually for the best. A- And I just- Thank you" I gripped the award tighter as tears filled my eyes again. "Thank you" I turned my back to leave the stage and felt the first tear slide down my face. I ran down the stairs at the back of the stage towards the door.

I'd decided. Things had to change. I was going to move out.

 

~Phil~

I knew what Dan was implying during his speech. He was seriously thinking of moving out. I don't know how long he had been thinking about it, or what had happened to make him even consider it. I thought we were okay. I didn't know something was wrong until it was too late. Was this my fault? If I had noticed sooner would he still be thinking about moving out?

I waited for him to come back to our seats after his speech, but after about ten minutes I realized that he wasn't coming. I looked around, making sure that he wasn't just sitting somewhere else, and then left to find him. I searched behind the stage and the dressing rooms nearby with no luck. I was starting to panic. He wouldn't leave without telling me, would he? I called him on my phone and felt a moment of relief when I heard it ringing down the hall from where I was. I practically ran to where the noise was coming from.

"Dan!" I said as I rounded the corner. It was a dark hallway that lead to a set of empty rooms. Dan was hunched over on the floor with his back against the wall. "...Dan?" his shoulders were shaking as he silently sobbed. I watched him helplessly. "Dan, I'm sorry" I said, kneeling down next to him. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to you. I don't know what I did, but if you just tell me maybe I can try to fix it" I tentatively touched his shoulder. He didn't pull away. "What did I do to make you hurt so much?" he lifted his face and my heart shattered. He looked so broken. Whatever I had done had really hurt him. Why did I always have to hurt him? Everything I did was wrong. I wish I could go back to that first day and start over.

"Why don't you love me?" he whimpered. My eyes widened in shock.

"Wh- what?" tears were dripping down his nose. He didn't even move to wipe them away.

"All I've ever done is love you, Phil. I knew the moment I met you that I was going to fall in love. I thought- I thought you felt the same way and then..." he didn't need to tell me what happened next. I rejected him. I told him that I didn't like him like that. Dan was honest with me, he opened up, and I shut him down.

It was my biggest regret.

"Dan..." he shook his head.

"I tried to stop loving you. I did. I tried everything, but the feeling never faded. Every day I fell more and more in love with you. I know it's pathetic. I'm pathetic" He... still loved me? My entire body went cold. He still loved me. 

"You're not pathetic" I told him after a minute. He sniffed and wiped his nose on he sleeve of his suit jacket. A few pieces of glitter stuck to his face. I reached up to brush them off but he batted my hand away.

"Stop!" he shouted. "Don't. Don't try and make me feel better. You can't make me change my mind" he said. "I'm moving out. I'm done suffocating myself with these feelings. I don't want to dream every night about what kind of life we could've had together. I want this all to stop"

"Dan, wait-"

"Phil, I'm done" his voice sounded hollow. "I'm done" he got up and looked down at me. I could see the pain in his eyes.

"But I need-" his eyes softened.

"Please don't. Don't make this any harder than it needs to be. There's nothing you can say to change my mind" he wiped his face and took a deep breath. "I'm going to stay with my parents for a few days. When I decide what to do I'll tell you so I can get my stuff" it was like my entire world was crashing down around me. Was he seriously leaving? Why couldn't I say anything to make him stop? "Goodbye, Phil" he said quietly. He started to walk away. It took me a minute to wrap my head around what had just happened. How had he decided all of this so quickly? I frowned and then mentally smacked myself. I couldn't just let him leave.

"Dan!" I called as I ran down through the hallway. I could see him at the end of it. He stopped, but didn't turn around. "You didn't give me a chance to say anything" I said. He sighed.

"Phil, you're not-"

"Stop. You can't just decide to move out like that. You can't decide these things by yourself" he turned around and frowned.

"This is my life. You can't tell me what to do" I stepped towards him.

"You can't make the right decision without all the information" I said. Dan looked confused. "That day, the first time we met. You don't know everything. You just know your side of it" I said. "I was afraid. I'd never met someone like you before. I really liked you was worried that I'd scare you off. When I finally saw you it was like the whole world stopped for a minute-" Dan interrupted me.

"What are you saying?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm saying I do love you dammit!" Dan's face grew cold.

"Don't lie. Don't pretend to like me just so I won't go" I stared at him helplessly. How could I get him to believe me? How had I messed this up so much?

 

I stood with my back against the wall. My hands were shaking as I flipped through our text messages. He was coming here. I was going to see him in person. I was so nervous that I thought I was going to throw up. I shuffled my feet and scanned the faces around me. I didn't see him yet. I had come early so I was sure I'd be here before his train arrived. I bounced up and down on my feet as I waited. He should be here soon. I was going to hug him. The minute I saw him I was going to run and hug him. I'd never felt this strongly about any of my friends before, and honestly it kind of scared me. What was so different about him? 

I checked the time again and realized that he should be here by now. I turned and looked towards the train platform. It was mostly empty. He was probably already here. I felt a bolt of panic shoot through me. Where was he? What if he got lost. I promised him I'd be here as soon as he got off the train. We didn't talk about where he'd go if he couldn't find me. I looked over my shoulder and froze.

There he was.

He was here.

He was real.

He was...

A smile crept onto my face. I couldn't help it. He was just standing there, staring at me with a weird expression on his face. We didn't move for a few seconds, then as if we both realized that this was real, we both started running. We didn't have far to run, but it felt like it took hours. When we were right in front of each other we stopped. I looked into his eyes and grinned.

"You're real" I said breathlessly. He grinned and launched himself into my arms.

"I'm real, Phil" those words solidified my suspicions. I was completely and hopelessly in love with him.

 

~ A Few Weeks Later~

Dan was weird after he came to visit me. I wasn't sure what it was, but he started to get kind of distant. It wasn't until he called me that I found out why. 

It was late when he called, well past midnight. I was still on my computer when I heard my phone ring. I felt my heart lift when I saw that it was Dan. Everything he did made me feel happier. I answered immediately.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully. There was a beat of silence before Dan replied.

"...Hey" his voice sounded weird. My smile faded.

"Dan, is everything alright?" I asked. I heard a door close through the phone and he was quiet for a minute. He did that sometimes, moved somewhere where his parents couldn't hear him. I waited until he spoke.

"I- I need to talk to you" Fear trickled down my spine. Did he know? 

"O- Okay" I stuttered. "What is it?" I could practically hear his nervousness through the silence. "Dan, whatever it is, just tell me" I braced myself for the worst.

"I- I think... I think I like you" he spit out. I leaned back in shock. "I think- I think that I might like you as more than a friend" he continued. I was too stunned to speak. He liked me too? My chest swelled with happiness. "I don't want things to change between us. If- if you don't like me back. I'm sorry for telling you I just- I don't know how soon these feelings will go away" my hope dissipated in an instant. How soon... they would go away? 

"Wait," I squeaked out. "Y- you just have a crush on me?" I asked, hoping he'd say that he was as in love with me as I was with him.

"Yeah. I- I'm sure it'll go away" he seemed really nervous as he said this. He probably regretted telling me. "I really do like you, Phil. And I don't want this to ruin our friendship I-" I felt tears fill up my eyes. He thought he had a crush on me. He thought that it would go away soon. So he wasn't even sure if he really had feelings for me? 

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't risk it. What if he changed his mind after I told him? I couldn't live without him. It was better to be with him as a friend than to start dating him and break up. In order to do that I was going to have to break his heart a little.

"Dan," I started slowly. "I'm sorry- I don't like you like that" As soon as the words left my mouth I knew it was a mistake. It was a mistake that I was going to regret for the rest of my life. 

 

Dan stared at me in confusion. I finished my story, and was waiting for him to say something. Anything. 

"You're so stupid!" he yelled. He was still standing at the end of the hallway that I was in. I wanted to walk to him, but I was afraid that he would run if I moved. "You're an idiot! Why would you do that!" I glanced around, hoping people couldn't hear us. "Why would you tell me that if you liked me too!?" I deserved this. I deserved to be yelled at. That one moment of stupidity had caused us years of pain and heartache. What would've happened if I had actually told him I loved him then? Would we still be together? Would we be happy? Or would we have broken up, and ruined our friendship? Whatever it was would've been better than this.

"I know. I'm the biggest idiot in the world. I did something really really stupid and I wished every day that I could take it back" I stepped towards him slightly. He crossed his arms. He was beyond pissed.

"Why didn't you just tell me!? After that day, why didn't you explain? You had six years, Phil, six years!"

"I thought you forgot about it!" I said, raising my voice for the first time. "I didn't tell you I was in love with you that day because I thought you just had a crush, and that it would fade. Then when you never mentioned it again I thought I was right. That your feelings went away. I didn't want to tell you how I felt just to have you reject me-"

"You mean like you did to me!?" Dan took a few steps towards me, and pointed at me in exasperation. "You're a goddamn hypocrite" he spat. He clenched his fists and then held them down at his side. He wouldn't look at me anymore.

How did I let things get this bad?

"Dan, I'm sorry" I said weakly. "I'm so sorry" 

"I've been in love with you for six years" his voice was so low I could barely hear it. "You had countless opportunities to tell me. To admit that you messed up. But you didn't. You let me feel miserable every day, thinking that we could never be together" I lifted my arm to touch him but he jerked away.

"But now we can" I said, trying to hide the tiny bit of hope in my voice. "I made so many mistakes, but now I can make it better" Dan shook his head, still not looking at me.

"No" he said. I let my hand fall to my side. "No. I don't know if I can ever forgive you, Phil. You can't just tell me you love me and hope that everything will magically work out" his voice sounded so hollow. It was better when he was yelling at me. 

"Dan, please" I pleaded. "I'm so-"

"Don't" he hissed. "Don't apologize again. God" he turned away from me and ran his fingers through his hair. I stared at him helplessly. What was going to happen now? Was he still going to move out? "Fuck" he muttered. "I just want to go home" 

"W- we..." I sighed. "You don't have to go to the after party" I said quietly. "I'll go by myself" 

"Okay" and with that he walked away, taking all my hope with him.

 

The last thing I wanted to do was socialize right now. I wanted to go home too but I thought it would be a bit rude to just leave, and I knew Dan wanted to be alone right now. So to avoid having to talk to people I sat at the corner of the bar and drank. Unfortunately the drink limit was two, so I was cut off pretty quickly.

I grumbled to myself as I moved away from the bar and to a sitting area in the back of the room. There was someone else sitting there. I sat down next to them and groaned. They looked at me in concern.

"Are you... alright?" they asked. I put my face in my hands and shook my head. "Is there something I can do to help?" I sat up and looked at them.

"Have you ever done something really stupid and then not done anything to fix it so it gets worse and worse and then years later someone finds out what you did and gets so mad they don't even want to look at you anymore?" I asked. They blinked at me in surprise.

"Uh, no, I don't think so?" I sighed and leaned back in my chair.

"Well don't. It sucks for all people involved" I eyed the drink sitting on the table in front of me. "Is that yours?" I asked. They nodded. "Are you going to drink it? The bar cut me off" they looked at me uneasily.

"I think... you've had enough for now, haven't you?" I slumped my shoulders.

"I just want to forget what I did for a while" I mumbled.

"That's not going to make it go away" the person said. "It'll still be just as bad when you're sober" I pouted. I hated that they were right. "Why don't you tell me more about what happened?" they suggested. "Talking about it might make you feel better"

"I found out that my best friend's in love with me" I started. "Well, again. I found out that he's in love with me again. He told me a long time ago, but I thought he just had a crush and that it would go away so I told him that I didn't feel the same way. Then he told me today that he'd been in love with me the whole time" I rambled on. "And then I told him that I'd been in love with him the whole time too and now he's mad at me for not telling him and I don't know what to do" they stared at me for a minute and then silently handed me the drink off the table.

"Jesus Christ" they said. "Why would you do that?" I downed the entire drink before answering. It didn't occur to me until later that maybe I shouldn't have drank a strangers drink, but right in that moment I didn't care.

"I don't know" I groaned. "I was afraid he didn't feel as strongly about me as I did about him" 

"Wow. You are an idiot" they said. "So you explained what happened and that you were sorry?"

"Multiple times" I stared at the now empty glass wishing it was full again.

"Where is he now?" they asked. I brushed some glitter from Dan's suit off my pants.

"He went home" I said quietly.

"And you let him!?" I frowned.

"He didn't want to see me anymore. I thought I would give him some space to think about it" I turned to looked at them. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Giving him space was a good idea, I guess, but you really should've tried to work it out before he left. Now he might not let you talk to him" Hopelessness bubbled up inside me again. Why did I ruin everything?

"Oh god. What should I do!?" I said in panic.

"You should go talk to him!" I jumped up to run out, and then stopped.

"Hey, thank you" I said to the stranger. They smiled at me and nodded.

"Go!" I set the glass I was holding down on the table and ran out of the room. I just hoped he would still talk to me when I got there.

 

~Dan~

I was almost halfway home when the realization of what happened hit me. Phil was in love with me. Phil fell in love with me the same time I did. He had been in love with me this entire time, and he never told me. My anger had faded the minute I left the building. I wasn't mad at him. I was just sad. And more than a little disappointed. How much happiness had we both missed because we were too stupid to see that we were both in love?

I leaned my head against the window and watched the blurred lights. The further away I got the stronger the feeling of regret grew in my stomach. Why did I just leave? Why didn't I stay and try to talk things out with him? I'd been so hurt by what he said that I didn't even try listening to what he had to say. He'd hurt me. But I had hurt him too. We'd caused each other so much pain. 

But not everything with us was bad. How many days did we just sit around at home enjoying each other's company? How many videos had we made together, capturing random domestic fights we had? How many times had we made dinner together, while blasting crappy music and dancing to it. Though we caused each other a lot of pain, we also were the source of just as much, if not more, happiness. 

I was being stupid. I finally had a chance to have what I wanted most in the world, and I ran away. Sure he'd lied to me, but hadn't I lied to him as well? I had to go back. 

"Stop the car" I said suddenly. The driver glanced at me in the mirror in confusion. "Stop the car!" I repeated. They pulled over to the side of the road. "I- I- I have to go back!" I opened the car door and started to run. Thunder rumbled in the distance, causing me to run faster. My feet pounded against the sidewalk but all I could hear was blood pounding in my ears.

It took me several minutes to get back to the building where the party was being held. I was sweating profusely by the time I stopped in front of the doors. I paused only for a minute before I entered, looking for Phil with ever step I took. Because the room was dark I had to walk through every inch of it to find Phil. He didn't seem to be anywhere. So I started calling for him. I didn't care how crazy I looked, wearing a glittery suit, covered in sweat, and yelling through the whole room. "Phil!" I yelled. People were staring at me. "Phil!" I was almost to the back of the room now and I still hadn't found him. "Phil, where are you!?" 

"Excuse me?" someone said, tapping on my shoulder. I turned around. "Are you looking for Phil Lester?" they asked. I nodded frantically.

"Yes! Have you seen him?" they handed something to me.

"He was here earlier talking to me and he dropped his wallet" they said. "But he left a while ago. I think he was looking for someone" He went looking for me? 

"Thank you" I said, taking the wallet from them. With that I turned and ran back out of the room. He couldn't be that far, could he? I pulled out my phone and called him as I search through the halls of the building. It rang, and rang, and rang, but he didn't answer. I cursed and called him again. He wasn't in the building, so I headed outside. It was starting to rain now, and there were flashes of lightning high up in the clouds. I ran around the whole building twice trying to decide which way he went. I was soaked by the time I started walking towards our flat. I continued calling him, hoping that he would answer. I was starting to get worried. 

Then I saw him. 

Relief flooded through me. He was walking down the middle of the sidewalk, holding something in his hand. "Phil!" I called as I jogged to catch up with him.

"Dan!" I could hear the relief in his voice as well. I stopped when I was only inches from him. 

"I'm so sorry" I said breathlessly. "I shouldn't have left. I should've stayed so we could talk this through-" I stopped abruptly. "Are you... drunk?" I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Only a little" he said in embarrassment. Rain dripped off his hair and slid down his face. 

Phil thrusted his hand to my chest. I looked down and saw he was holding some flowers. I blinked in surprise. "W- what is this?" Phil motioned for me to take them, so I did.

"I got them for you" he said. I felt a smile creep onto my face.

"Wait, where did you get them?" I asked. "I have your wallet" Phil grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck.

"I kind of stole them from one of the table decorations at the party" laughter bubbled up in my throat. "Dan, I wanted to apologize again" I started to protest. He held up his hands. "I know you told me not to but please just let me get this out" I nodded and waited for him to continue. "I'm so sorry. What I did was stupid and hurtful, and I don't think I'll ever be done apologizing. I don't know what made me say that to you that day, or what kept me from telling you every day after. But I'm telling you now. I love you" he laughed humorlessly. "I'm so in love with you" my heart melted at those words. I had waited so long to hear them. I waited too long.

"I love you too" Phil's face lit up with a grin.

We weren't okay, that day standing there in the rain. We were nowhere near it, but now we knew that we could be. Someday we would be okay. Someday we would be happy. For the first time in my life I dared to dream of the future.

 

 

~Ten Years Later~

 

\--When you looked over your shoulder  
For a minute, I forget that I'm older  
I wanna dance with you right now  
Oh, and you look a beautiful as ever

And I swear that everyday you'll get better  
You make me feel that way somehow

I'm so in love with you  
And I hope you know

Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold  
We've come so far my dear  
Look how we've grown

And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old  
Just say you won't let go   
Just say you won't let go--

 

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist, and a kiss was pressed to the back of my neck. I smiled. "Good morning" I murmured. Phil smiled against my skin.

"Morning" the coffee pot in front of me beeped, and I poured it into our mugs. 

"Are the kids still asleep?" I asked quietly. He nodded. "Should we... wake them up?" I asked, glancing at the clock.

"It's the weekend, we let them sleep in. Besides, it'll be nice to have some alone time" Phil said, taking one of the coffee mugs from my hand. "Hey, didn't you used to not like coffee?" he asked. I took a sip.

"I started to like it when I stopped getting sleep" I said with a laugh. "Though now that the kids are old enough to go to school they do sleep through the night better" Phil smiled fondly. 

"I can't believe they've grown up this fast" he said. 

"I know. It seems like just yesterday we brought them home" I smiled wistfully as I thought about it. Phil wrapped his arms around my waist again. "Phil!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "You're going to make me spill my coffee!" he hummed a song under his breath and swayed back and forth. I closed my eyes and leaned into him. I sat my coffee mug on the counter and turned in his arms. He pulled me closer to his chest and tilted his head forward so our foreheads were touching. 

"I love you" he said softly. I cupped his face in my hands. Grey hairs were starting to peek through his hair dye. I ran my fingers through it and sighed happily.

"I love you too" I rested my head on his shoulder and we danced through the kitchen. For a minute it felt like we were two teenagers in love again. When I closed my eyes for a moment i was transported back to that first day in the train station. Before any of this happened, the good and the bad. We were young and totally in love. Now we were older, and still completely and hopelessly in love with each other. I tilted my chin up and kissed him. The kiss was slow and sweet. There was no need for rushing. We had all the time in the world.

Then I heard footsteps running down the hall. We broke apart and both looked at the doorway. "Ready?" I asked. He kissed my forehead.

"As long as I have you, I'm ready for anything"

 

\--I wanna live with you

Even when we're ghosts  
'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I'm gonna love you till  
My lungs give out  
I promise till death we part like in our vows

So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows

'Cause now it's just you and me till we're gray and old  
Just say you won't let go  
Just say you won't let go--


End file.
